We have a crisis. Waukesha District Attorney and candidate for State Attorney General Paul Bucher is not perceived to be a likeable guy. I know what you’re thinking, “But he seems like such a nice man on television when he’s trying to send people to jail.” I know, I know. To know Paul Bucher is to love him. And who woulda thunk that he’s perceived as having a cold, serious, almost taciturn demeanor?But one commenter has labeled him The Prince of Darkness, and even his wife admits that he’s not “warm and fuzzy” to most people. This is a politician in need of a niceness intervention.
How, you’re asking, can this be a crisis when the primary for State Attorney General is in September? You hafta understand. People form their impressions early of a candidate. And when they see someone as too serious, too much of a sour puss, well, they think of George Orwell’s school masters, not loveable state district attorneys.
After all, the position Bucher is running for has been practically run by Furbies for years. Think of the past few state attorney generals we’ve had. Why, there’s Jim Doyle, a kind man with a kind demeanor. Before him was Don Hanaway, who just oozed warmth. And before that, Bronson Lafollette, who practically made us feel giddy, almost schoolgirl-ish.
And then there’s his opponents. There’s Van Hollen. He loves his wife. There’s Peg Lautenschlager. Everyone knows she’s just a great person to knock back a few drinks with. You know what they say. Happy hour is Peg Lautenschlager hour. And finally, there’s Kathleen Falk, who despite some personal problems, is lovable in a Yogi Berra kinda way.
So what to do with Paul? I figure we have until, oh, the beginning of January before his prickly reputation becomes a real problem. But I have the solution.
Everyone, it’s time to give Paul a hug. That’s right, give him a hug. Help him get in touch with his true, inner feelings, even as he asks a judge to put away a child molester in jail for a long, long time. Help him remember his feminine side even as he says in a courtroom, “You’re honor, this scumbucket has been found guilty of robbing little old ladies in Frame Park. The prosecution requests this maggot get fifty years.” Help him feel the warmth of humanity, even as he sends methamphetamine dealers to prison.
If we all pitch in and give Paul a hug, he can’t help but hug back. I expect that after a while he'll be hugging every voter he sees. Soon he’ll be that softer, gentler criminal prosecutor that the voters want.
Note: Criminals appearing in court wearing stun belts may want to ask permission first. Also, bubbly cheerleader types may want to ask Mrs. Bucher if a hug is appropriate, or if just a hand shake and some kind words will do. Guys, please no kissing.
