Yankees sign new overseas pitcher

From the Borowitz report:

In their latest bid to beef up their pitching rotation for the 2009 season, the New York Yankees today signed Iraqi journalist Muntadar al-Zeidi to a three-year deal worth $32 million.

The right-handed al-Zeidi, 28, impressed the Yankee scouts with his performance in Baghdad yesterday when he threw both of his shoes at President George W. Bush.

While neither of the shoes hit their target, both throws "had great velocity and good movement," said Yankee owner Hank Steinbrenner.

What happened to a diet of hot dogs and beer?

Babe Ruth could never play for this New York Yankees team:

You can't get a Baby Ruth in the clubhouse that was home to Babe Ruth. New York Yankees Manager Joe Girardi has banned candy and ice cream in an effort to create a more healthy diet.

Furthermore, the Journal News of Westchester County reported that the Yankees asked opposing teams to remove the offending items from the visitors' clubhouse before the team arrives. In Tampa Bay, the candy was replaced with nuts, dried fruit and granola, hardly an inspiring rhyme scheme for "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" ( . . . Buy me some peanuts, dried fruit and granola, I don't care if I ever go hoo-ma?).

Do the Yankees understand the history behind the fabled pinstripes? First Prince Fielder becomes a vegetarian. Now the Yankees are having their diets planned by Richard Simmons. They might as well all be playing soccer.