Whose advice on picking the next Pope would you choose?

Everyone has been offering their two cents on what took for in a Pope. But let's say you know a Cardinal in rome, and have a super-secret way of passing along advice. (Don't do it in a painting. It would be trite at this point.) Which of the following would you pass along to the Cardinal?
The Journal Sentinel editorial:

...We don't expect anything to change dramatically within the church, but we do wonder whether a new pope will push that lid aside a little and release some of the passion surrounding those matters.

And we wonder whether the selection of a new pope will have an effect on the clergy sexual abuse scandal. ...

Yadda, yadda, whatever. And the editorial goes on in this vein. Okay, it's nothing we haven't heard before, they don't have the best interests of the Church at heart, etc. Better I think, to listen to Frank at IMAO:

* The pope should be well versed in ninjitsu in case Satan's minions attack in the form of ninjas. The pope staff could be a great weapon in the right hands.

* You may think you found the right person to be pope, but try to imagine him in a big pointy hat and make sure it’s flattering before finalizing your vote.

* Whoever is chosen should be well-versed in pop-culture so he can condemn it more vigorously.

* While who can juggle the most vials of holy water at the same time shouldn't be the sole criteria for selecting the pope, it should be considered.

There's more at his site.