Dr. Ivan Varminof of NASA's Earth Atmospheric Science Institute announced today that satellite data shows the Earth's atmosphere has entered a new phase, and global warming is at an end. Varminof said recent data since the "Earth Hour" observances on March 29th has actually indicates a trend towards renewed global cooling.
"The data indicates a .001% drop in the global temperature," he said. Even more encouraging, "The trend seemed to have accelerated with each day since the `Earth Hour.' Like a roller coaster going over a hill."
His colleague at the Institute, Dr. Grantry Seaver, was not quite as optimistic - yet. "Clearly this will need more study. Lots more study. The implications of which will clearly have a tremendous effect on public policy and scientific research. We may not even find the correct answer to the proper atmospheric carbon calibration after billions of dollars in research."
Varminof even raised a concern about his research. "If the three-day trend continues, we may be facing a new ice age in very short order. We will need to continue our research, with a substantial public commitment, to whether we will need high-carbon emitting mass transit expenditures to balance the cooling trend."
Dr. Ayn Emtody of the President's council of scientific advisers suggests a new "carbon emission trading system" if the trend towards global cooling becomes accepted. The new system would require corporations to reach carbon-emitting standards, the amount set by an industry grouping quota. Heavy industry would have higher quotas to reach. Corporations not reaching their goal would be required to send an equivalent amount of money to the US Treasury to be burned in a giant fire pit, resulting in enough carbon emissions to offset the cooling temperatures.
"Of course" Emtody said, "since Treasury has nobody on the staff right now, we have plenty of time to study the exact amount of cash that would need to be burned to warm the Earth. Right now it's just a guess, but another one or two stimulus packages ought to do it. We'll know the correct amount after a rather substantial public investment in cash-to-carbon emission research and technology."
