The Wigderson Library & Pub, through various unofficial sources, has managed to get a rough draft of this year’s State of the State Address to be given by Governor Doyle tonight at 7:00pm. This was a rough draft from before it got kicked out to the focus groups, so some of the following may not actually make it into the speech tonight. On the other hand, since most of us will be watching American Idol instead, this will have to do.
Speaker Gard, Majority Leader Schultz, President Lasee, Speaker Pro Tem Freese, Members of the Legislature, Lieutenant Governor Lawton, Constitutional Officers, Supreme Court Justices, Members of the Cabinet, Tribal Leaders, and fellow citizens of Wisconsin.
It is my honor to stand before you tonight and report that the State of Wisconsin is on the take. On the take from every special interest group under the sun. From the road builders to the Indian casinos to the trial lawyers to the teachers unions, everyone has seen their fortunes rise even while we pretended to hold the line on taxes. Ladies and gentlemen of the legislature, I am proud to stand before you to tell you Wisconsin government is open for business.
Never before have so many lobbyists been so happy at any given time in Wisconsin’s history. The campaign money’s flowing like ethanol. It’s a great time to be in Wisconsin government, and I think we can thank both sides of the aisle for the work they have done.
And we should all be proud of the resourcefulness of our cities and towns. Despite the phony “freeze” we enacted last year, the cities, villages and towns of Wisconsin figured out new ways to exploit the truck-sized loopholes we left them. They were able to jack up fees to highway robbery level (one village even took highway robbery literally) while borrowing well beyond their capacity to ever pay back without a tax increase later on. I’m proud to say this was a bi-partisan effort, as once again the so-called “Taxpayers’ Bill of Rights” never saw the light of day.
In a speech like this, it’s tempting to cover every aspect of the agenda for the coming year. Let me just highlight a few of the items we will be looking at together.
On education, we have problems. A few African American children in Milwaukee are going to get screwed (Mark, can we work on this phrasing?) as they are rolled out of the school choice program. But we need to look at the positive side. More African American kids being returned to the Milwaukee Public Schools means more money to those schools regardless of their performance, which makes the teachers’ union happy. And when the teachers’ union is happy, we’re all winners. As for the numbers, we still project over 95% of the African American vote will go to the Democrats this November.
On health care, I’m pleased to report that trial lawyers will soon be coming to Wisconsin in the largest invasion since D-Day. Every aspect of the medical profession is about to undergo the most painful legal scoping you can imagine. No medical dollar will be spent without the lawyers getting their share.
On the environment, we can look forward to a new era of ethanol for everyone. While a few critics are pointing out the costs and possible environmental damage to our ground water caused by a massive increase in the amount of ethanol used in Wisconsin, the ethanol lobby assures me that everything will be just fine.
And when it comes to infrastructure, Wisconsin is building more roads than Rome ever imagined. We’re building four lane highways to every hamlet and hut imaginable in every corner of the state. And when we finally have most of Wisconsin paved, then our good friends the road builders can finally go back and repair the roads they’ve built.
Finally, the economy. We project full employment for the trial lawyers, of course. When they’re not suing the hospitals and the insurance companies, they can sue every Home Depot and True Value hardware store for selling paint that may or may not have contained lead paint at some time in the distant past. And the best part is, they won’t even need proof!
But we saved the best for last. I have a special announcement tonight. As part of the 2006 Doyle proposal for job creation and preservation in Wisconsin, this year I unveil the “Indian Casino on Every Corner” proposal. We’ll grant every tribe their own off-reservation casino in every county, starting with a new Riverboat Casino on the Fox River in Waukesha operated by the Hopi Indians. It’s an exciting venture, and you can expect to see advertising supporting the initiative, and thanking me, coming to your televisions real soon.
Thank you for allowing me to address you this evening. Forward, Wisconsin.
(edited 6:27 am to include title)
